I have spent more time with North Americans in the last 2 years than I ever have and for the most part I have loved it. Canada has become a home from home and I’m so thankful that my family has settled so well.
There are however certain things that I am still not used to when it comes to language. Everyone knows that words have different meanings in different places and overall I’ve been happy to adapt. Washroom rather than toilet. Streetcar rather than tram. Leejuh rather than leisure. I get it – no big deal. But during Christmas Eve drinks when my neighbour’s 90 year old mother turned to my husband and declared that she had been “double-fisting all night”, he nearly fell off his chair and I choked on my vol-au-vent.
For my UK peeps, double-fisting is what the North Americans call double-parking as in having two drinks on the go at a party. Now the North American “double-fisting” refers to holding a drink in either hand so you are making two fists… whereas double-parking quite sensibly is a reference to when a car parks badly blocking another car in so two cars are lined up like the drinks you are “double parking”. Not only is double-fisting a far cruder metaphor, what the North Americans have failed to realise is that fisting is a sexual act popularised by lesbian couples all over the world. I’ll leave the Canadians to google what fisting is. And if you’re wondering what DOUBLE-fisting is then let me remind you that females have both a front bottom and a back bottom and it’s possible to occupy both at the same time. Most of us have two hands after all.
Next on the list is something called “cottaging”. Now cottage culture here in Canada is something I am 100% on board with. I love going to the cottage. What can I say? Canada is fun! But when Canadians going to the cottage say that they are going “cottaging”, I have to stifle a smirk. One time for the Canadian readers:
Cottaging is a sex act conducted by homosexual men in the privacy of a stall in a public toilet. I mean washroom. Of course.
If you don’t believe me then the urban dictionary will help you out. It makes the final episode of everyone’s favourite TV show about a pair of star-crossed hockey players finding themselves at the “cottage” even more… let’s say poignant.
Moving on – this one is going to be hard because I don’t want to openly reveal what school my kids are attending. BUT let’s just say that the nickname that the school community uses for the school is a slang term for penis in the UK. Imagine going to your child’s sports matches and the parents are stood on the sidelines shouting “GO PENIS!”. Then you are invited to become more involved in the School Advisory Committee and the email address is [email protected]. Someone actually purchased the domain and is using it like it’s a serious email address. The woman in charge of the SAC is saved in my phone as Kate Penis Sac. That’s her name now. If I change it then I’ll forget which Kate she is. In the park people ask me if my kids go to PENIS. It will never stop being funny.
And I will never get used it.
