So a bit of background needed here. I am no stranger to exercise. When I was in my teens I was fit in every sense of the word. I was training to be a professional contemporary dancer and I had some serious life goals. I was working towards my degree and not one of those 2 lectures a week and spend the rest of the time drinking and bumming around kind of degrees. This was a seriously intense in class 8:30-5:30 Mon-Fri 75% practical Bachelor of Performing Arts with Honours degree in Contemporary Dance. I was dancing or doing some other form of exercise for 5 hours every weekday, then in seminars/studying/reading for a further 2-3 hours everyday. If your attendance fell below 95% you had a warning, below 90% you were in special measures and those who attended less than 80% of the 40 hour week of classes were asked to leave the course. I then worked on the shop floor at H&M on Saturday and Sunday which is a workout in itself.
Don’t get me wrong I found time to get absolutely shitfaced too. I needed to just to survive the intensity. But at the end of the day I was determined to be someone I wasn’t. After a year or so I found I didn’t want to be a dancer after all and being in that environment took its toll on my mental health. Despite all of this I completed my degree and vowed never to engage in physical activity ever again.
I started my career in digital marketing, got a job behind a desk, found my husband and persuaded him to marry me, and became “fat and happy”. I was completely comfortable having literally gone from a size 6 to a size 16. I lost a bit of weight by calorie counting for our wedding but 6 years and 3 pregnancies later and I’ve done a bit of yoga but never had the urge to do much more than that.
Until now.
My third child is here. My husband and I won’t be having any more children. My childbearing is done and something has changed in me. I feel like I’m ready for a new chapter in my life to begin. I feel like I want to exercise. I’m still not sure what form this exercise will take yet. 10 weeks postpartum, 4th trimester drawing to a close, I’ve signed up to some aerobics, pilates and yoga just to get me going again. There’s nowhere I’m so desperate to get to that I’d be willing to run there so no I shall not be taking up running! But I’ve done long distance walking in the past so maybe I’ll start hiking again.
I’m finding things have changed since I last exercised. All these apps exist to track exercise you see and I’m a gamer at heart so I’m down with anything that gamifies my life. I can track calories burnt and my heart rate with my smart watch. Amazing! I can compete with my husband to see who is the laziest. Amazing!
I’m going to pursue this recent recurring desire to move for fun – even though it’s giving me the creeps a little. The mental barrier I put between myself and exercise was erected by my brain to protect myself from ever being anywhere near the level of intense pressure I was under before. Now there’s a chink in that barrier and a ray of light has been allowed in.
I don’t think I’m ready to dance again. I danced so much that it wasn’t fun anymore. Now the thought of standing at a ballet barre gives me a sense of panic. This is not normal. I clearly have some issues to unpack that have been there since my dancing days. Maybe a bit of aerobics will start me on the path to addressing them.
Watch this space!
